Christmas Day Radio Playlist

For the past decade, I've spent Christmas Day (and sometimes Christmas Eve) doing fill-ins at a local college radio station. This year, I did two shows totaling eight hours of airtime, all of which I dedicated to material from my extensive collection of non-played-to-death holiday music.

Playlist #2
Dec. 25, 2007
1:00-5:00 p.m. EST

1. SANTA, BRING MY BABY BACK TO ME, Elvis Presley
2. CAJUN CHRISTMAS, Monty & Marsha Brown
3. I WANT A ROCK 'N' ROLL GUITAR, Johnny Preston
4. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, Shakin' Stevens
5. SANTA AND THE SATELLITE, Buchanan & Goodman

6. CHRISTMAS TEARS, Freddy King
7. YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. GRINCH, Thurl Ravenscroft
8. MERRY TWIST-MAS, The Marcels
9. TRUCKIN' TREES FOR CHRISTMAS, Red Simpson
10. CHRISTMAS AT K-MART, Root Boy Slim & The Sex Change Band

11. 1963 CHRISTMAS EP, The Beatles
12. HEAVY METAL CHRISTMAS (THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS), Twisted Sister
13. O SANTA, WHERE ART THOU, Suzy Snowflake
14. SANTA'S SECRET, Slam Stewart

15. SILENT NIGHT, Huey "Piano" Smith & The Clowns
16. CHRISTMAS NIGHT IN HARLEM, Louis Armstrong
17. DANCIN' WITH SANTA, The Trashmen
18. BE-BOP SANTA CLAUS, Babs Gonzales
19. MERRY CHRISTMAS, I LOVE YOU, James Brown

20. SANTA BABY, Eartha Kitt
21. THEY SHINED UP RUDOLPH'S NOSE, Johnny Horton
22. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, Carla Thomas
23. GREEN CHRISTMAS (PARTS 1 & 2), Stan Freberg

24. THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY, "Weird Al" Yankovic
25. MONSTERS' HOLIDAY, Bobby "Boris" Pickett & The Crypt Kickers
26. DIG THAT CRAZY SANTA CLAUS, Oscar McLollie & His Honey Jumpers
27. IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME IN LOUISIANA, Johnnie Allan
28. BLACK CHRISTMAS, Rose Graham

29. 1964 CHRISTMAS EP, The Beatles
30. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BEATLE, Dora Bryan
31. I'LL BE HOME ON CHRISTMAS DAY, Elvis Presley
32. I WANT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH ELVIS, Debbie Dabney

33. CHRISTMAS WRAPPING, The Waitresses
34. JINGLE BELL ROCK, The Ventures
35. ONE CHRISTMAS CATALOG, Captain Sensible
36. MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY, Dodie Stevens
37. CHRISTMAS PRAYER, The Penguins

38. THE CHANUKAH SONG, Adam Sandler
39. HANUKKAH HOMEBOY, Doc Mo She
40. CHRISTMAS IN JAIL, The Youngsters
41. COOL, COOL CHRISTMAS, The Sabers

42. LOUIE, LOUIE CHRISTMAS, Mojo Nixon
43. THANKS FOR CHRISTMAS, The Three Wise Men (a/k/a XTC)
44. ANOTHER ROCK AND ROLL CHRISTMAS, Paul DiAnno
45. BLUE XMAS (TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN), Miles Davis & Bob Dorough

46. WHITE CHRISTMAS, Clyde McPhatter & The Drifters
47. SANTA CLAUS IS WATCHING YOU, Ray Stevens
48. CHRISTMAS IN THE CONGO, The Marquees
49. MR. AND MRS. SANTA CLAUS, George Jones & Tammy Wynette
50. GONNA WRAP MY HEART IN RIBBONS, Hank Thompson
51. AVE MARIA, Stevie Wonder

52. 1965 CHRISTMAS EP, The Beatles
53. SHOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN HIM A GUN FOR CHRISTMAS, Wall of Voodoo
54. CHRISTMAS IS, Run-DMC

55. FUNKY CHRISTMAS, Otis Zee & The Sambuka Band
56. HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS, The Pretenders
57. IT'S A HILLBILLY CHRISTMAS, The Candy Mountain Boys
58. THE TWELVE GIFTS OF CHRISTMAS, Allan Sherman

59. REALLY BEEN GOOD THIS YEAR, Saffire--The Uppity Blues Women
60. YELLIN' AT THE CHRISTMAS TREE, Billy Idol
61. ROCKIN' SANTA CLAUS, The Martels
62. I WANT YOU WITH ME THIS CHRISTMAS, Jesse Belvin
63. YOU'RE MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT, The Skyliners

64. 1967 CHRISTMAS EP, The Beatles
65. NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY CHRISTMAS, Danger Danger
66. I FOUND THE BRAINS OF SANTA CLAUS, Jason & The Strap-Tones
67. BEATNIK'S WISH, Patsy Raye

68. IN THE MOOD (FOR CHRISTMAS), The Brian Setzer Orchestra
69. IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR, The Manhattans
70. THIS TIME OF THE YEAR, Ray Charles
71. MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY, Chuck Berry

Christmas Eve Radio Playlist

For the past decade, I've spent Christmas Day (and sometimes Christmas Eve) doing fill-ins at a local college radio station. This year, I did two shows totaling eight hours of airtime, all of which I dedicated to material from my extensive collection of non-played-to-death holiday music.

Playlist #1
Dec. 24, 2007
3:00-5:00 p.m. and
6:00- 8:00 p.m.

1. SLEIGH RIDE, The Ventures
2. SANTA CLAUS IS BACK IN TOWN, Elvis Presley
3. MARY'S BOY CHILD/OH MY LORD, Boney M
4. SANTA CLAUS BABY, The Voices
5. CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN, Money Python's Flying Circus

6. SOUL SANTA, Electric Jungle
7. THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY, Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
8. THERE'S TROUBLE BREWIN', Jack Scott
9. CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS, Run-DMC

10. THE PRETTY LITTLE DOLLY, Mona Abboud
11. CHRISTMAS IN CAJUN LAND, Daigle & Elkins
12. A FIVE-POUND BOX OF MONEY, Pearl Bailey
13. MELE KALIKIMAKA, Poi Dog Pondering
14. WINTER WONDERLAND, Eurythmics

15. THE CHRISTMAS SONG, The King Cole Trio [Original 1946 version]
16. SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN, The Harmony Grits
17. SANTA'S GONNA COME IN A STAGECOACH, Buck Owens
18. (MERRY CHRISTMAS) WE MUST BE HAVING ONE, Tammy Wynette
19. HANUKKAH HOMEBOY, Moc Do She

20. MAMBO SANTA MAMBO, The Enchanters
21. CHRISTMAS WISH, N.R.B.Q.
22. SANTA'S BEARD, They Must Be Giants
23. COOL YULE, Louis Armstrong
24. (IT'S GONNA BE A) PUNK ROCK CHRISTMAS, The Ravers

25. CHRISTMAS DRAGNET, Stan Freberg & Daws Butler
26. SANTA CLAUS, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME, Artie Fullilove
27. PAPA NOEL, Brenda Lee
28. TWISTIN' BELLS, Santo & Johnny

29. GETTIN' IN THE MOOD (FOR CHRISTMAS), The Brian Setzer Orchestra
30. SANTA TRAIN, Patty Loveless
31. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS (IS A LITTLE BIT OF MUSIC), Huey "Piano" Smith
32. WINTER WONDERLAND, The Blossoms
33. HEY SANTA CLAUS, The Moonglows

34. OUT ON THE ROAD FOR CHRISTMAS, Red Simpson
35. BLUE CHRISTMAS, Ernest Tubb
36. IF I GET HOME ON CHRISTMAS DAY, Elvis Presley
37. CHRISTMAS (COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR), Amos Milburn
38. MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY, Chuck Berry

39. ALL ALONE AT CHRISTMAS, Darlene Love
40. JINGLE ALL THE WAY, Lena Horne
41. WHITE CHRISTMAS, Clyde McPhatter & The Drifters
42. CHRISTMAS AT GROUND ZERO, "Weird Al" Yankovic

43. CHRISTMAS WITH THE DEVIL, Spinal Tap
44. FROSTY DMC, Sam Slanagan
45. JINGLE BELL BOOGIE, Big Jack Johnson
46. YULESVILLE, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes

47. 2000 MILES, The Pretenders
48. BOOGIE-WOOGIE SANTA CLAUS, Mabel Scott
49. SANTA'S GONNA SHUT 'EM DOWN, Untamed Youth
50. GIVE THE JEW GIRL TOYS, A Plus D
51. I CAN'T HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY (WITHOUT YOU), Jerry Lee Lewis

52. LET'S HAVE A PATRICK SWAYZE CHRISTMAS, Mystery Science Theater 3000
53. DOO-WOP CHRISTMAS, Kenny Vance & The Planotones
54. LET ME BE YOUR CHRISTMAS TOY, Chocolate Snow
55. CHRISTMAS ON THE BAYOU, Vin Bruce
56. CHRISTMAS ISLAND, The Andrews Sisters

57. CHRISTMAS EVE CAN KILL YOU, The Everly Brothers
58. I WANT A HIPPOPOTAUMS FOR CHRISTMAS, Gayla Peevey
59. SNOWFLAKES, The Ventures
60. CHRISTMAS AT THE TRIPLE-X RANCH, Riders in the Sky
61. CHRISTMAS CAROLS BY THE OLD CORRAL, Tex Ritter
62. SANTA LOOKED A LOT LIKE DADDY, Buck Owens

63. SILVER BELLS, Rachel Sweet
64. D.J. SANTA, Crispy
65. JINGLE BELL ROCK, Stormy Weather
66. MUST BE SANTA, The Brave Combo

67. DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS?, Band Aid
68. CHRISTMAS CONGA, Cyndi Lauper
69. SOCA SANTA, Machel
70. SANTA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG, SheDaisy

71. LET'S MAKE CHRISTMAS MERRY, BABY, Amos Milburn
72. PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, Charles Brown
73. SILENT NIGHT, Big Maybelle
74. LONELY CHRISTMAS CALL, George Jones

Guess what? I'm a "fucking cynical asshole!"

At least, that was the learned opinion of a MENSA candidate who phoned my college radio station during public affairs this afternoon.

I was repeating last year's holiday edition of my political talk show, "Naked Lunch Radio," in which I spent 30 minutes "sticking a sharp spear into the soft white underbelly of Christmas," as I announced at the start of the broadcast. Apparently, this individual didn't appreciate learning that the Christians, for the most part, ripped off the lion's share of the season's rituals from cultures that predated their religion by centuries. The man (and I use that word liberally) expressed his discontent by ringing the air studio, calling me a "fucking cynical asshole," and hanging up. Obviously, this is a person who prides himself both on his courage and his oratory!

It's not exactly difficult to infuriate the proudly ignorant, but I still enjoy the hell out of it. Next summer, I'll still be laughing at his dumb ass. That guy really made my Christmas Eve, y'all!

I only hope the poor dear doesn't have too far to walk from his trailer to the outhouse. And if he wipes his tuchus with newspaper, I strongly recommend the New York Post!

One more shelter guest to worry about; just what I needed.

This morning, as the guests at the homeless shelter were getting dressed, one man appeared to be having great difficulty. Anthony (not his real name) looked extremely disoriented, to a point at which he tried to put a glove on his foot!

After he had spent a half-hour trying (and failing) to get himself dressed, I ended up tying Anthony's boot laces, zipping up his coat, and wrapping his scarf around his neck. I asked if he wanted me to take him to the E/R, but Anthony said no.

Instead, I ended up giving both him and another guest a ride to the soup kitchen. As I dropped them off, the other guest said he would keep an eye on Anthony and would call 911 if his condition didn't improve.

During the month or so Anthony has stayed at the shelter, we've had to call an ambulance for him on three separate occasions, and for more than one health problem. I hope his disorientation is nothing serious, but his behavior this morning reminded me a lot of when my late father had a stroke in 1996. Unfortunately, there really wasn't much I could do--except, of course, worry about the poor man, as I've taken to doing with pretty much all of the shelter's guests. (Guess that's why they like me so much.)

One thing's for damned sure: it's hard enough to be homeless when you're young and in good shape. Anthony is about 60 years old, and his health (to put it mildly) has seen better days.

And so, another man who spent decades working his ass off is now condemned to living in the streets--and in poor health to boot. Let's hear it for capitalism!

Cops and the Homeless, Part 2

For the past two nights, the cops came to the shelter long after the guests had gone to sleep. They were looking for two men who had robbed the same convenience store two nights in a row.

The first night, I was on duty when they tapped on the door at 3:30 a.m. I took them into the back room so we could talk without waking up the guests.

The second night, one of my colleagues was on duty and happened to be in the bathroom when the cops came knocking, this time at 4:00 a.m. When they didn't get an immediate answer, the cops pounded on the door, waking up every guest in the place. They also brought in dogs (to sniff for guns), which my bosses had previously told the police chief they did not want the cops doing.

Needless to say, my bosses at the shelter were none too happy over these latest police intrusions. So, first thing this morning, they gave the police chief an earful, and advised those of us on staff that under no circumstances are we to let the cops into the shelter in the middle of the night unless they produce an arrest warrant. We are to tell them nothing, nor are we to allow them to read the guest list or any other paperwork.

That's fine with me. I didn't mine cooperating with the cops the first few times they came to the shelter, but now I'm beginning to resent these routine intrusions.

There was absolutely no evidence that the guys who stuck up that store were staying at the shelter, as evidenced by the fact that the cops left empty-handed both times. They were on a fishing expedition, pure and simple. After all, who's going to stand up for a bunch of homeless bums?

My bosses, that's who; not to mention me and my colleagues!

Testosterone poisoning is an ugly thing.

At the homeless shelter where I work, there's another staff member about whom the guests frequently complain. Apparently, he's a real stickler for the rules and routinely engages in hard-ass behavior toward the guests. I used to think he was just a bitter old man with a chip on his shoulder; but I think I understand him now.

Perhaps it was the result of having been outside all day in a nasty snow and sleet storm, but the guests were unusually tense tonight. On three separate occasions, there were shouting matches that my colleague and I had to quash. My colleague even threatened to call the cops if the guys didn't cool it. (We had no female guests tonight.)

I have all sorts of authority over the guests that I've never used, mainly because they've behaved themselves and made it unnecessary; but if these idiotic pissing contests continue, I'll have no choice but to put my foot down.

Here in Eastern Connecticut, tomorrow night's predicted low is eight degrees Fahrenheit. If I have to step between any guests at that point, I'm going to tell them, "If you want to have a playground brawl, do it outside. And don't plan on coming back in tonight if you do." Perhaps turning into human Popsicles will cool their tempers down!

I hope it doesn't come to that, but if I let the men get away with a rule violation as severe as fighting in the shelter, then I'll have lost their respect and probably my boss's, too. And that can't happen, not if I want to be successful in this job.

My latest letter to the editor

THE ORIGINAL LETTER TO THE HARTFORD COURANT:
(www.courant.com)

The headline "Atheists' Sign Spurs Talk, Thought" [Page 1, Dec. 8] had it exactly right. The Connecticut Valley Atheists' sign, "Imagine — No Religion," does spur thought.

Imagine if the Ku Klux Klan were allowed to place a sign on the Vernon town green that read, "Imagine — no Catholics, Muslims, Jews or Atheists." Would we find that offensive? Would we find it threatening? Absolutely.

If al-Qaida were allowed to place a sign on the green that read, "Imagine — no Christians, Jews or Atheists." Would we find that offensive? Would we find it threatening? Absolutely.

Imagine if the Connecticut Valley Atheists had placed a sign on the Vernon green that read, "Happy Secular Holidays." Would we find that offensive or threatening? Not at all. But that isn't what their sign says. It reads "Imagine — No Religion." Isn't that really saying, "Imagine — No Christians, Jews or Muslims"?

Extremists exist not only in religious groups; but also in irreligious groups. Extremists need to dominate and show contempt for those who disagree with their dogma.

I find the Connecticut Valley Atheists' sign possibly threatening and, at least, hostile to non-atheists.

We all appreciate the challenges that Vernon's civic leaders have faced in allowing use of the town green for public expression during the holiday season. However, they need to reconsider the atheists' sign, lest they get requests from other intolerant associations.

Robert J. Kulak
West Hartford


AND MY RESPONSE:

I get a kick out of these religious types who accuse us atheists of being "intolerant" and "extremist."

How about that Bible-thumping weirdo who recently went on a shooting spree in Colorado? Or that whack job who murdered Dr. Barnett Slepian for having the nerve to perform safe, legal abortions when his patients requested them?

Remember those good Christians, Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, who blew up the federal building in Oklahoma City in 1995, killing 140 innocent people? How about David Koresh and the Branch Davidians?

Adolf Hitler (contrary to what religious people would like to think) was a devout Christian who started the Holocaust because he believed it was God's will.

Al-Qaeda is composed of violent Muslim fanatics, 19 of whom murdered 3,000 people with jet planes on September 11, 2001.

And let us not forget the ongoing acts of violent, murderous repression against the Palestinian people as perpetrated by "God's chosen people," the Israelis.

When was the last time you heard about a person (or a large number of people) murdered in the name of atheism? Probably never, because it just doesn't happen.

Atheists, for the most part, oppose enforcing their beliefs through violence and murder. In religion, however, such actions are negotiable.

I can't think of anything in human history that has caused more suffering, misery, violence, murder and war than religion. Along with money, it is one of the two biggest plagues ever to infect the species.

If I believed in god, I'd thank him every day for making me an atheist!

***

For more info on what has ignited this controversy in Connecticut, go to the Connecticut Valley Atheists' homepage, http://www.cvatheists.org/

From Oct. 6, 2007: I quit the Democratic Party today

On Oct. 6, 2007, I sent this e-mail to the DNC. Shockingly, they never replied!

To Whom It May Concern:

This is to advise you that I have quit the Democratic Party. I just came from my local Registrar of Voters, where I changed my affiliation from Democrat to Independent.

I have slowly become disgusted with the Democratic Party leadership since Bill Clinton's presidency. It was under Clinton that the party began to lose its way, abandoning the poor and middle class in pursuit of corporate dollars for its campaign coffers.

Things have only gotten worse since George W. Bush quite literally took the White House. I have watched incredulously as the Democratic leadership has repeatedly given a highly unpopular president almost everything he wants, particularly as it applies to that horrendous war in Iraq.

All it would take to end the war is for Congress to cut off the funding for it; but the Democratic leadership refuses to do so. It also refuses to even consider impeaching Bush and Dick Cheney, despite numerous blatant violations of both the Constitution and the law. Had the party behaved this way during Vietnam and Watergate, thousands of additional U.S. soldiers and Vietnamese civilians would have died, and Richard Nixon would have finished his second term in office.

But what finally pushed me over the edge was the Congress' recent waste of time in which it voted to censure MoveOn.org for simply exercising its right to freedom of speech. If they can find the time to do something that idiotic and corrosive--to a group that has long supported the party, no less!--while our troops continue to die in Iraq and 36 million Americans have no healthcare coverage (among other pressing matters), then the Democratic Party is no longer worth my support.

So, after a decade-plus of slowly becoming disgusted with the Democratic leadership, I have finally said to hell with it and changed my party affiliation to Independent. I will continue to support individual Democratic candidates who share my values; but if you think I'm giving another dime to the party that produced such piss-poor excuses for leaders as Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, then you're sadly mistaken.

I didn't leave the Democratic party; it left me.

Cops and the homeless (with mental illness added, too)

This winter, I have a part-time job at a local homeless shelter. This past week has been a busy one vis-a-viz the cops nabbing people who've been staying with us.

One night last week, they came to the shelter three different times, looking for the same guy. By their third visit, he was there and they took him away in handcuffs.

That particular guest had been hungry and tried to steal food from Stop & Shop. When a security guard caught him, the guest unwisely said that he had a gun and that the guard had better let him go. The guard did so but called the cops. The guest didn't actually have a gun, but that didn't matter. With that one sentence, he went from a sixth-degree misdemeanor to a felony arrest. As far as I know, he's still in jail.

A couple of days later, the cops nabbed another shelter guest, this time for drugs. A day or two after that, they arrested a third guest, this time at the soup kitchen, for failure to appear in court. As if that weren't enough, just tonight they busted the latter's girlfriend as well (for what, I don't know).

In another matter, we've had a mentally ill woman staying at the shelter for the last two-and-a-half weeks. During that time, she has worn the same suit of clothing and hasn't bathed or showered once. As if that weren't bad enough, now she's having her period and won't use sanitary napkins! As a result, we've had to set aside a specific air mattress and bedclothes for her use only.

Just tonight, I was about four feet away from that woman. The odor she emanated was rancid beyond words! It was like a yeast infection, only a whole lot worse.

With such malignant neglect of her health and grooming, coupled with with overtly schizophrenic behavior, that poor woman should be in a mental institution, with a doctor prescribing meds and monitoring her condition. Instead, she's wandering the streets, slowly destroying herself. And no matter who my boss talks to, he can't find anybody willing to take her case! Un-fucking-believable.

During staff orientation, the shelter's executive director advised us to maintain a professional detachment from the personal affairs of our guests. Now I see what he meant. Some of those people are messed up pretty goddamned badly!

How the liberal left eats itself

You want to help stop war?
Well, we reject your application.
You crack too many jokes
And you eat meat.

--The Dead Kennedys


As a working-class progressive, I find many of my fellow leftists a never-ending source of anger and frustration. Here are but two of them:

Mr. & Mrs. Manners. These good folks dream of changing the world into a Utopia of equal rights and justice for all people. Unfortunately, their chances of doing so are about the same as a snowball’s chance in hell—mainly due to their contempt for the people they long to save.

Mr. & Mrs. Manners exist in a hermetically-sealed environment of overly-educated, white-bread milquetoasts who insist on intellectualizing everything. And god help the person who utters an “F” bomb in their presence!

My question for Mr. & Mrs. Manners: How do you propose to change the world when you’re too goddamned thin-skinned to deal with a few lousy curse words? The people you need to reach out to use curse words on a regular basis. They attend films starring Will Ferrell and The Rock. Their choice of reading material leans heavily toward Harlequin Romances, pulp adventure fiction, and TV Guide. They’ve never heard of Ani DiFranco and Noam Chomsky, and might not like them if they had. They don’t know the difference between Merlot and Muscatel. And they don’t give a good goddamn about which utensil goes with which dish.

Until Mr. and Mrs. Manners take those people seriously, they have as much of a chance of changing the world as I have of becoming a Hair Club For Men “after” model.

The Diehard Democrat. In spite of everything, the Diehard Democrat insists on believing that the Democratic Party is America’s salvation. Never mind that some of the most damaging legislation to the poor and middle class became law during Bill Clinton’s presidency (Remember welfare “reform?”). Never mind that the Democratic-controlled Congress continues to fund Bush’s illegal war in Iraq despite a clear mandate from the voters to end it. Never mind that the party gave only lukewarm support to Ned Lamont when he defeated incumbent right-wing senator Joseph Lieberman during last year’s Connecticut primary. Never mind that the three major Democratic presidential candidates for 2008 all are in the pockets of Wall Street, AIPAC and the Pentagon. If we can just get a Democrat back in the White House next year, everything will be hunky-dory again!

Sure. And grasshoppers will fly out of my ass the next time I fart.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Suffice it to say, with the piss-poor excuses for gatekeepers currently guiding the left, I’m not optimistic that a truly progressive agenda will surface in Washington any time soon.

One hell of a night at the homeless shelter!

I wrote this on Dec. 1, 2007, but didn't start my blog until the 12th. As such, I've a bit of catching up to do.

I went in to work at the shelter at 10:30 on Thursday night. My shift used to end at 6:30; but for the rest of the season, it'll be more like 8:00 a.m. as my boss managed to secure two days a week for the guests to take showers in the locker room of a no-longer-used local school. (Actually, the swimming pool still gets used, but classes are no longer held at the place.) I was prepared for a long shift, but not one as eventful as this one turned out to be!

First, we had a new guest at the shelter: a mentally ill woman who meandered about the place muttering incoherently to herself and wagging her index finger at nothing any of us could see. My boss advised me that the woman also was known to engage in "sexually inappropriate behavior" toward the men with whom she was in close quarters, so I needed to keep an eye on her. It turned out, I should've kept an even closer eye on her, but for a completely different reason. I'll get to that bit of news later.

I was able to feed last night's guests (17 in all) with my Thanksgiving leftovers: 12 pounds of turkey and five pounds of baked potatoes, along with a couple of Diet Pepsi 12-packs that I picked up on my way in. When I announced that I had brought food, a line formed at the kitchen window in a matter of nanoseconds. So there I was, along with two volunteers from the University of Connecticut, hustling our asses off to serve the guests in a timely manner, i.e. before the food got cold.

After everyone ate, the volunteers and I washed and dried the dishes and cleaned the kitchen floor and counters. It hadn't occurred to me that feeding the guests would be so much work! Still, most of them hadn't eaten in several hours (when the soup kitchen had closed) and were damned grateful for the meal. And I was glad that my leftover turkey and baked potatoes hadn't gone to waste. Still, I was feeling a bit tuckered out, and I had only been at work for an hour!

Not much else happened until about 3:30 a.m, when a man came to the door. He said he had just heard about the shelter and had nowhere else to go. Though we aren't supposed to let people in after 11:30, I couldn't bring myself to turn him away, especially since we had room left (albeit not a lot).

It turned out, the poor bastard was in a great deal of pain. He showed me the soles of his feet, which were beet red, rock-hard and grotesquely bloated. I asked if he wanted to go to the E/R. He said he'd go after he had gotten some sleep. I didn't give him a hard time about it , but when his moans of agony started waking up the other guests, I took it upon myself to call 911 (but asked that there please be no sirens, given the lateness of the hour).

When the EMTs appeared, the guest adamantly refused to go to the hospital, insisting that he just needed to stay off his feet for a while and get some sleep. As the EMTs couldn't force him to go to the E/R, they left. Eventually, the man fell asleep, but not before his pain drove him so far to distraction that he spilled both the the food and the soda that I had given him. When the morning came and it was time to deflate his air mattress, I found a huge, sticky puddle underneath it. Lucky, lucky me!

At 6:30 a.m, I turned the lights on and roused the guests who were still asleep. A half-hour later, it was off to the middle school to let them take their showers. As the school was a good three miles away, two of the guests who had vehicles offered rides to those who didn't. There was still some spillover, though, and I ended up taking five people in my own car.

The drive was awfully harrowing as my muffler hangs low and dragged along the asphalt the whole way. When I'm in the car alone, that doesn't happen, but with the extra thousand or so pounds of humanity that piled into the Deanmobile this morning, I was afraid of going over a bump or hitting a pothole and losing my exhaust system completely! Luckily, that didn't happen. But will it happen next week at shower time? I certainly can't afford to get my muffler and tailpipe replaced between now and then!

The showering session itself was uneventful, though I ended up getting home later than I expected as two of the guests had to get to the methadone clinic--which, of course, was nowhere near the school. So I drove them there--although, thankfully, with no further muffler hassles. Once I did get home, it didn't take me long to fall asleep!

When I woke up for the day (at 5:30 this afternoon), I had a voice mail from my boss. In my haste this morning, I had forgotten to check the bathrooms before I locked the shelter up for the day. A most unfortunate oversight as the mentally ill woman that I mentioned earlier had hidden in the ladies' room hoping that nobody would find her and make her leave as, like most of the guests, she had nowhere to go. Since the doors have deadbolts on them, I had inadvertently locked the poor woman in the building!

When I talked to my boss about it, he wasn't angry, especially after I filled him in on what my shift had been like. He simply reminded me that checking the bathrooms was an inherent part of the a.m. routine, and that I would need to keep a very close eye on that woman if she came to the shelter again. My boss has been doing this kind of work for years and fully understands that it's easy to become distracted when you're dealing with 17 different people--and therefore, 17 different personalities and sets of issues and needs.

You know what, though? Last night's problems notwithstanding, this is still turning out to be the best job I've ever had. Its rewards go way beyond the financial! After almost 42 years, I think I've finally found my calling. Will wonders never cease?